Celebritites: Bruce Willis

HELLO, BLOG WORLD! How are you? Good? Good.

I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard them talking about Bruce Willis, the awesomely awesome super action hero. For those who don't know him, HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK? Here are some movies that may jog your memory:

• Die Hard
• Die Hard 2
• Die Hard 3
• Die Hard 4
• Armageddon
• Mercury Rising
• The Sixth Sense

And there's many more. You get the picture. He's pretty freaking awesome.

ANYWAY.

It so happens that he was going to be interviewed on this radio station (I can't remember which one... Probably 107.1 SAFM or Nova 91.9). The three hosts were VERY excited that such a big star was going to be appearing on their show. HOWEVER, their hopes were quickly dashed when they were told the conditions Mr Willis had set.

1. 
   
   Only one host was allowed to interview him.
2. 
   
   That person only had three minutes to interview him.

Now. I know that stars are very busy. I mean, they have lives of their own and such. Don't get me wrong, Bruce Willis is the A-GRADE MATERIAL CELEBRITY (and quite attractive for a man who's old enough to be my father. O_O) But... What's with the conditions?! SERIOUSLY.

Only one host was allowed to interview him. Why? Why is this? Is he afraid of Swine Flu, and wants to limit his contact with other people? Is he shy? Does he suffer from Enochlophobia? Do non-celebrities disgust him? Does he think the interview will turn into an ORGY if more than one person is in there? I REALLY DON'T GET IT.

That person only had three minutes to interview him. I don't get this either. Ok, maybe I do. Mr Willis is an extremely busy man, he has lots of things to do, places to go, people to see. He doesn't want to spend the entire day on the phone, or in a hotel while people come in and out, answering the same questions over and over... but THREE MINUTES? How did he get three minutes anyway? Did he roll dice? Hmm. It doesn't seem right to me.

This got me thinking. If I were a celebrity, would I have weird conditions for people to follow as well? I came up with a few.

YES. You can interview me, but...

• 
  
  You must all wear orange.
• 
  
  You have to bring me some sort of gnome with you.
• 
  
  You may not use the letter "e."
• 
  
  There must be a bowl of chocolate-covered strawberries next to me at all times.
• 
  
  Drinks must be supplied. Straws must be orange.
• 
  
  There should be an after-party, fully catered. (Yes, a party after EVERY interview.)
• 
  
  If other celebrities are interviewed in the same day, I have to meet them. They have to say, "Oh my God. I am your BIGGEST FAN!" Even if it's someone more awesome than me who doesn't give a crap about me.
• 
  
  The room has to be at a comfortable temperature. Say, 26 degrees celcius. Even if I'm being interviewed over the phone.
• 
  
  Actually, no phone interviews. I'm awkward on the phone.
• 
  
  Restaurant City should be running on a computer next to me. HAH.
• 
  
  CUDDLES. LOTS OF CUDDLES.

Anybody got any more? I'd like to hear them. Maybe when one of us becomes famous, we can torture our interviewers together.

Note: Bruce Willis, I'm sure you have good reasons for your conditions. Please don't beat me up, you're bigger than me.

A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.- P.J. O'Rourke